If you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, don’t lose hope yet until you have finished reading this post.
I have been in a dysfunctional relationship, but right now, I’m enjoying a highly functional relationship. So, I employ you to ride with me as I will take you through both personal experience and modern research to revive your dying soul! Yes, you can restore it – past whatever crushes your soul! Well, to be factual, no relationship is perfect – even the one I’m enjoying right now isn’t a perfect one! But when there are sufficient good in a relationship which outweigh the bad, love flows, grows, and glows.
Are you seeking to understand what is a dysfunctional relationship, or you are in search of the signs? Perhaps, you could be interested in knowing why some are attracted to a dysfunctional relationship, how to fix a dysfunctional relationship, and lastly, when fixing isn’t the right option, then what will? Reading on will help you find satisfying answers; you will come to see a diverse perspective and how you can cope with the problem. You will understand what dysfunctional patterns are. To begin with, let’s get into the fundamental meaning of what dysfunctional relationship is.
What relationship is Dysfunctional?
In a simple term, a dysfunctional relationship is a relationship that does not meet up with its proper function. That is, it does not support participants emotionally; it goes blind to building and fostering fantastic communication; it isn’t just ready to fortify bond among participant. Additionally, it does not have in it, healthy interaction, and the lives of the people involved are far from being enhanced.
All relationships have their problems, though. At least everyone disagrees, they might nag, say things out of anger and top of it, there will be irrational moments. But when it’s becoming more and more unbearable, and the negative outnumbers the positive, the relationship is undeniably dysfunctional.
It is terrifying, sickening to see that something once warm and tender has started growing cold and harsh. What is supportive has turned damaging, and eventually, a relationship that used to be a haven for love and tranquility has suddenly turned toxic! Granted, some relationship, at the start of the love, there are apparent signs that show that troubles abound – they are still dysfunctional though, but the deep ones, are the ones that come subtly, having the strong tendency of shattering one’s life. These ones begin with heavenly feelings and with the thought that they’ve found the perfect person that finds no single spot in them. If one’s basking in the euphoria of that, that’s the time to watch out!
Honestly, the up stretch of a roller coaster is outstandingly amazing, but then, the bottom drops out, and what happens? Free-fall! Sure screaming comes as it goes down, sadly, we can’t associate it with excitement, if not that, then what? It’s the outburst of you and your love -the continuous fights. In this situation, many couples wouldn’t just demand more than gaining peace – immense peace of mind.
Dysfunctional isn’t only limited to romance; it goes beyond the scope of romance – marriages and couples; it extends to friendships, family and workplace relationships. So when the relationship you have with any of the above mentioned is far from a jolly to an endurance trek all day, then, it could be regarded as being dysfunctional.
Furthermore, some individuals are drawn or attracted to a dysfunctional relationship, quite amazing. But why? Identifying this will help you avoid this shipwreck if you haven’t and if you have and are seeking for a solution, you will be aware of what to avoid in your next relationship.
Why Some Individuals Are Attracted to a Dysfunctional Relationship
When thinking marriage, soon-to-be couples are often in search of people that would reflect the vision they hold so esteem and their world. And to think about that coming to reality makes so much sense. This is simply because when compatibility is the focal point of individuals in a romance, it influences how each other view money, religion, sex, and parenting – all that makes most relationships dysfunctional today. But is that all we seek? No! And that’s where many get fired.
Apart from choosing a marriage mate from those we share similar values and ideas alone, we also select love from people who have identical views about what relationships must look like and how it should be done. At first glance, everyone will think, Aha!! Ha!! This is good. At last, my comfort zone!
If your parents or those who raised you failed to serve as a role model in teaching what a healthy relationship should look like, you might end up being drawn to someone who will make you remember that you were raised from a dysfunctional relationship. This situation might make one stick with what one is familiar with. There is a subconscious need to go for the dysfunction we were used to while being raised. But we think, this time around, it won’t have the same outcome with dad and mun. Instead, you believe it will give just what you need, and dream of a happy ever after. But isn’t that only a fantasy?
In this type of situation, people with this view, think after some time I will change my partner and have control over the relationship. But you know what? Things like that never work out as planned! So, if your parents didn’t live up to the expectation in being a model for a healthy relationship, and you are getting married to someone who’s like your parents, be ready to meet the same disappointment that you had when you were being raised.
Sadly, the majority of people today pick partners who reflect their perspective. Those who desire people who are willing to give endlessly, and in most cases, they hardly give back in return are usually drawn to those who are happy to take indefinitely with giving back very little in return. Also, when we fail to look at things objectively – the bad and the good – we will undeniably not be able to validate who we are picking, and we will become easily abused and exploited.
So, instead of believing that you will change a person – which you are powerless, think about changing yourself and have it in mind that only your partner can change by themselves – if they so wish! So a healthy relationship isn’t about always giving – its partnership between two equals. Rather than yearn for someone like your parent, yearn for a true partner. When you are so buried in the thought of fixing someone else’s problem, you lift attention off your self and concentrate on another person’s problem, which will affect your personal development.
So, what can you sum up? Don’t search for who’s really like your parents, even if they are good, search for qualities of a good partner, and then focus on yourself to become a good partner, don’t try to change anyone. But here is a question, how would you know if a relationship will finally lead to a dysfunctional relationship? Or you already in marriage and you want to validate your claims of you being in a dysfunctional relationship. Below are convincing signs of a dysfunctional relationship.
Five Convincing Signs That Shows Your Relationship Dysfunctional
Although, there are more than five signs of a dysfunctional relationship, however, these five here are drawn from personal experience and research gotten. In other words, they are the most common type of signs in any relationship. If you can recognize this early, you have the choice either to stay – especially if you’re in courtship, or seek for a solution – for marriage mates to avoid regrets later on.
- Feeling of Guilt. Are you in a relationship where you are consistently apologizing, even for occurrences that aren’t your faults? To keep the peace, you conceive it and acts like nothing happened- all the time. At first, it might seem like it will have a halt or rather, things will change. But it’s not. Instead, you are getting depressed about it. You have low self-worth and are even mad at yourself. Any anger from your partner is justified, and also when the requests are unreasonable, your partner has it. If you slightly resist or object any instruction, now you going to get ready for name calling. Your everyday use of sorry has even become more annoying that when you aren’t wrong, you use it. That guilt is a clear indication that you are in a dysfunctional relationship.
- Frustration. Everyone dreams of working as a team member. But your partner isn’t giving you just that. You can accomplish only a simple task. When you put in your best efforts, you don’t get the benefit of working as a team. You’ve not even enjoyed the liberty of taking the lead when you try to; you get attacked in return. And when resolving to be a diligent follower, you are always told that you aren’t getting it right. The partner you have has an agenda that is buried in past deeds and arrogance. He finds fault and never showers you with praise for once. You are told that you aren’t good with decision-making. You sacrifice your health to satisfy your partner’s comfort and with no thanks in return. You are mocked with suggestions – either directly or indirectly.
- Blame. No fault has even been your partner’s; it’s always yours! Not just one or two, but all. When a partner is dysfunctional, they do away with accountability. Instead of admitting fault and apologize, they twist issues, turn around, revise the narrative and then vet out what will bring their fault into the open. It goes so bad that they wouldn’t just take responsibility. Instead, they make it evident that their sadness is the other partner’s responsibility. You dare not draw boundaries, don’t even speak the truth, expressing your feelings? No way! If you do otherwise, you are going to make your partner upset and get to be blamed too.
- Tension. In a dysfunctional relationship, there is no hope of enjoying good periods. Even when you are trying to enjoy a relaxing moment, you are profoundly living in constant fear and terror of what the next confrontation will be like. Sadly, you aren’t even sure of what will lead to the subsequent encounter. So, your relaxation is just your readiness for the next outburst. So also if it’s right in your sight, you have to make confirmation from your partner, and that’s when you can also enjoy a moment of relaxation, but hey, don’t make the mistake of executing anything wrong, it will spell doom. So, nearly all day- you are in constant tension.
- Uncertainty. It’s indeed sad when you can’t just say exactly what you will be meeting at home or who is coming- a kind face or an angered face? So you are careful, you don’t want to start a heated argument. So you are mindful of your steps, your words and actions. You give excessive humility; you are always on the spending spree to satisfy. That isn’t even enough; you leave work early for a home to get things tidy up. Whatever effort you make is trash.
read also: What you should to a cheating girlfriend
Can you relate with these signs in your relationship, you are undeniably in a dysfunctional relationship. But can you fix it? Yes! There are right moves to fix a dysfunctional relationship. Read on to gain insight into that.
How to Fix a Dysfunctional Relationship
No doubt, there are right moves to bring back a dysfunctional relationship back to proper functioning. And the good news is that the things to do aren’t rigorous and too hard to understand. They are what everyone can apply. Although it takes an optimistic mind and determination and the readiness to put everything into work to accomplish the following points that I will be discussing below. Below are five outstanding ways to fix a dysfunctional relationship.
- Speak up And Don’t Play games. This will come first on my list because I firmly believe it is the roadway to achieving the next points. In fact, in some cases, if this is done rightly, you might not have to go through the following points. Kindly, invite the person to sit and have a one-on-one talk with your partner. If at first your partner didn’t respond to your call, be persistent, he or she will one day. And when it finally happens, be emotionally honest about how their actions make you feel. Just be honest about your feelings so you can connect with your partner well. This might be the end to the menace you’ve been going through, and if your partner asked for the ways you want to be treated, don’t list long list rules. A few techniques are enough, and you might politely tell them that “the way they want you to treat them.” If they are reasonable, this could be a turning point.
- Starve The Dragon. Even when you can see the error of your partner, and it is evident, don’t argue back. If you do, at that state of emotional outburst, they will learn nothing. That rational thinking isn’t in line and whatever words you try to say will be misinterpreted and will serve as a gas for the already lit fire. So what can you do when it is evident that your partner is wrong and they are insisting on it. Stay calm! When that phase has passed by, then bring reality to your partner. Don’t say, this is where you got it wrong, instead say: “I think if “we” had done it this way…. “can we check into this together, I want us to learn a few things. Being calm and using “we” makes an enormous difference, and it gives you the strength to correct your partner and help in the future to listen to your opinion next time. Don’t be scared to call, must times a bully is often thrilled to see that their victim can develop the courage to talk to them calmly – it reveals some strength, it breaks their bone – they can’t help it.
- Be Empathetic With Emotions And Not Behaviors. There might be more than what you see physically. If indeed you care and love your partner, this is the time to show care and compassion for their inner fights. But that empathy isn’t the roadway to accommodating bad behavior – maltreatment and the likes. Even when you have to hold them accountable – still don’t do it at the heat of the moment, instead, let it be when everywhere has calmed down, let them understand that you know how they feel, but yet, reveal to them what they didn’t do right and that you will be willing to assist wherever possible in relieving them of the pains and emotional struggle.
- Don’t be a Victim. They’ve gathered a heap of the blame on you, don’t take it, don’t start feeling guilty like you want to appeal to their emotions. Yes, don’t criticize yourself. When you avoid these, you are avoiding being a victim. When they push in, don’t push back but don’t admit the fault that isn’t yours. It is better to say “okay” when you aren’t wrong than to say “sorry.” When you do, you won’t be a victim. If you can’t fight it alone, you might seek help from a trusted confidant. Don’t open up all at ones, when you feel that they are carefully listening to you; then you can reveal more. But you also have to be sure that the person you are meeting is having one of the most substantial relationships or some who have successfully transformed their dysfunctional relationship into a healthy one.
- Be Patient. You shouldn’t have an unrealistic plan about when a partner will change. You might think that it will be instantly, but changes will come gradually. The relationship isn’t just like preparing one of the most straightforward breakfast; it is tricky and requires patients to navigate appropriately. Some people might be inclined to their attitude, and it will just take a reasonable length of time to make them harness with your attachment style. Therefore, don’t give up if things don’t come as expected; rather, believe that over time, your partner will change. If these points are practically put into use, they will inevitably improve. And occasionally, you might need to offer to take them out and ask them some critical questions – of course; you have to be tactful and be honest about your issues. As they express themselves, listen well!
See tips to make your relationship a better one
But are there situations that you have to give up trying. Yes, there are, I’ll speak on them in the next subheading.
Signs to End a Relationship That Is Dysfunctional
As pointed out earlier on, there will be times when you will surely need to start seeing changes, at least after applying all the points above, but what if something happened? It gets no better, but instead, they are filled with these following signs. Ending the relationship might be the best gift to give the relationship.
- You Deal With Threats. Now, this is deadly and dangerous. If every conflict ends with “let’s call it quit,” instead of coming with a resolution, the threat is to reveal the power and show that without dancing to your partner’s tune, nothing positive will happen.
- Jealousy Stems Fights. If jealousy keeps occurring frequently, and there is no way of bringing it to a halt, but instead, it keeps resulting in conflict. Then breaking up will be the healthiest solution, or what is the point when each other cannot trust each other?
- It Results to Physical Fights. No! That is maltreatment, and a person’s life may be the price they will pay for this dysfunctional relationship. So if often time, conflicts result in physical combat, it might be best to end it all. You need to save your life.
- Grudges Come up Everyday. You cannot just think of a day when it was lived well, happy and enjoying; instead, each day comes with disputes, arguments, minor wars. Grudges create deep ill feelings about partners and would never let problems be solved in a relationship.
You probably want to end end your relationship with your lover at this point, get help on how to get over them easily here
How has this post help you in making decision going forward? Let us know via the comment section. Thanks for reading.